wilted kale with white beans

Source: images.google.com via Whitney on Pinterest

Continuing with my home made dinner kick, tonight I made a healthy meal consisting of kale with white beans. I feel so GOOP!

Prior to dinner, I also did a 20 minute yoga video on stretching your hips. This is the new me! Yoga is one of those things I always mean to do and then right after I do it I don't understand why I don't do it more often. This also goes for paying my bills on time and being nice to others. It just feels so good to stretch and hear my muscles crack. (Which apparently freaks everyone else out. Am I the only one who loves hearing your bones pop like a Timbaland beat?)

I got the video on yogajournal and it was so relaxing and soothing. Apparently people tend to store their emotional baggage in their hips and have been known to cry during the hip stretches in class. I've bawled harder in a hip stretch than watching The Notebook on a plane. 

And I have been an emotional wreck lately. I don't know what it is. Maybe I'm still getting accustomed to my new job. Or maybe it's cus the season is changing and it's getting so dark outside so early. Or that I had three comedy related rejections in the past week. Or maybe it's the fact that I've been watching an extremely gruesome and depressing show about the zombie apocalypse every night for the past two weeks.  (Damn you Walking Dead!)

But I haven't felt like my best self.

This all culminated in a mental breakdown on Saturday night when I was stuck underground in the L train. All I wanted was to go to Williamsburg and see my boo but instead I was stuck on a crowded train and on top of that I was wearing the most uncomfortable heels (somehow shoes are always involved when it comes to nervous breakdowns). After the train dispatcher announced for the zillionth time that we were being held momentarily, I stormed out of the subway and started crying. It was just another sucky thing to add to my already sucky week.

Like an emotional avalanche, I started questioning everything in my life. Maybe I'm not meant to be a writer. Maybe I'm not meant to do comedy. I'm not talented enough. Or pretty enough. Or Asian enough (yes, I got rejected for a part as "Asian girl". WHAT?)

My self esteem wilted more than a bunch of kale.

And I know to be successful, you have to be confident and hungry. You have to want it more and work harder than everybody else.

Maybe I just don't want this badly enough.

But then tonight, while I'm sauteeing my kale (that stuff really does wilt!), I started thinking about where I was a year ago today and how far I've come and maybe I shouldn't beat myself about not being where I want to be  and that I should be more grateful. I'm at a job I really like. I have an amazing boo and a wonderful support network of friends. Maybe I should spend less time complaining about stagnant subways and careers and be grateful for the small advancements I've made over time. 

But in the mean time,  this kale recipe is so quick and easy that at least I won't be having any nervous breakdowns in the kitchen. FOR NOW.